You are still working with the same nervous system you were born with.
Read that again, because it matters more than it sounds like it should. The nervous system that flinched at loud noises when you were three is the same one that spikes when your baby won't stop crying at 2am. The one that needed comfort after a scraped knee is the same one that needs comfort now, even if what scraped you this time was a hard birth, a diagnosis, or just the relentless weight of new motherhood.
And yet, somewhere along the way, most of us started expecting things from ourselves that we would never expect from a child.
The Same Nervous System, Very Different Expectations
Think about how patient we are with a toddler who's overwhelmed. We slow down. We soften our voice. We give them room to fall apart a little before they can put themselves back together.
Now think about how you talk to yourself when you're overwhelmed.
For a lot of the women I work with in
pregnancy anxiety therapy and
postpartum depression and anxiety therapy, that internal voice sounds nothing like the one they'd use with a child. It sounds like
what is wrong with you. Like
you should be handling this better. Like
everyone else seems to be managing fine.
Your nervous system doesn't know the difference between an unkind stranger and an unkind you. It responds to harsh self-talk the same way it responds to any other threat: it braces. It shuts down. It gets louder and more dysregulated, not less.
A Simple Practice: Notice, Then Ask
This is a practice I share often, because it's simple enough to start today and it works.
Step one: pay attention. Start noticing what you're actually saying to yourself, out loud or in your head, when things get hard. Not what you think you should be saying. What's actually falling out of your mouth.
Step two: ask the question. Would you say that to a small child?
If the answer is no, that's information. That's your nervous system telling you the words you're using are too harsh for the moment you're in.
Step three: rephrase it. Not perfectly. Not with some polished affirmation that doesn't sound like you. Just kinder. If you'd tell a scared child "this is hard and you're doing okay," try offering yourself the same sentence.
This isn't about toxic positivity or pretending things are fine when they're not. It's about matching the tone of your internal voice to what your nervous system actually needs in order to settle.
Why This Matters So Much in Pregnancy and Postpartum
Pregnancy and the postpartum period ask an enormous amount of your body and your nervous system, often at the exact moment your internal voice gets harshest. This shows up constantly in the work I do around
fear of motherhood and pregnancy therapy and
birth trauma therapy. Women carrying real fear, real grief, or a birth experience that didn't go the way they hoped will often talk to themselves with less compassion than they'd offer a total stranger.
Here's what I want you to understand: the way you talk to yourself becomes part of the emotional environment your child grows up in. Kids don't just learn from what we say to them. They learn from what we model, including how we treat ourselves when we're struggling.
This is also generational. A lot of the harshness we speak to ourselves didn't start with us. It's an echo of what was spoken over us when we were little, by parents who were doing their best with what they had. You get to decide whether that pattern continues.
Breaking the Cycle Starts With Practice, Not Perfection
Rehearsing a kinder internal voice is exactly that: rehearsal. You won't get it right every time, and that's fine. Every time you catch a harsh thought and offer yourself something gentler instead, you're building a new pattern, one your nervous system can learn to trust and one your child gets to grow up around.
Start small. Notice one thing you said to yourself today. Ask if you'd say it to a small child. If not, try again with more kindness.
Be nice to you. You're allowed.
You Don't Have to Figure This Out Alone
If this resonates and you're noticing just how loud that inner critic has gotten, especially during pregnancy or postpartum, you don't have to untangle it by yourself. Sometimes it helps to talk it through with a trauma-informed therapist who understands the nervous system side of what you're carrying. Sometimes it helps to have a community of other moms who get it without needing it explained.
Visit my
resources page for tools and support options, or reach out & schedule a
free consultation if you're in the State of Virginia and you'd like to talk about what this could look like in your own healing.
