What the first sessions actually look like
When a new client asks, "Okay, but what are we actually going to
do in there?", this is what I tell them...
We are going to unpack your story, and not only with words. We're going to pay attention to what you notice in your body.
Early on, we identify your pain points and your areas of resilience and strength. We also build grounding and coping skills you can use every single day, not just in session. Those skills matter most later, when we start working with activation, the moments when old memories or reactions get stirred up.
Starting counseling does not mean we start at the deepest, darkest part. We start at the edge of the hard things and keep building your resources, your strengths, and your confidence for the work. You set the pace. I'm not going to push you into the deep end.
Why your body is part of the work
Many clients come in and can't recognize any emotion in their body. I'll ask, "What do you notice in your body?" and the answer is often, "Nothing." Or they notice a sensation but can't name the emotion that goes with it. That is very common, and it doesn't mean you're bad at therapy.
Trauma pulls your thinking brain and your felt experience apart. Picture needing to stay close to someone you depend on for safety and provision. Your body says,
run, that person is not safe. Your logical brain says,
stay, we have to attach to this person. Both are trying to protect you, so to cope, the two stop talking to each other.
Part of the work is reconnecting them. We respect what the body is saying, and we give it room to express emotion. At first, we're not trying to fix anything or find a reason for it. We're making space to honor it.
I know the work is taking hold when a client says, "I noticed," and then fills in the blank with what she feels in her body and what emotion goes with it. That is the moment I get most excited, because it tells me she is healing… and can keep healing. She's acknowledging both the pain and the hope.
You don't have to tell me everything
One of the biggest misconceptions I hear is that trauma counseling means spilling every horrible thing that happened and reliving it, and that this is what "processing" means.
Clients tell me they need to "process" their trauma, and when I ask what that looks like, they aren't sure. Many assume it means purging the whole story until it somehow loses its power.
Often it works the opposite way. Retelling an event over and over can make it more solid, make it worse, or push you further into numbness.
In the approaches I use, which include
EMDR and body-guided, bottom-up work (meaning we start from sensation in the body instead of from thoughts), every word of the story doesn't have to be spoken in session.
That also makes the work much faster. Think about how quickly your mind moves. A train of thought can race by in seconds, and writing every piece of it down would take forever. (Ok, maybe not "forever," but you see what I mean.)
Nonverbal and somatic processing lets us work at the speed your system actually moves, and I find it far more effective than trying to simply retrain our thoughts.
I also use strengths-based approaches. With EMDR and that focus on strengths together, people naturally begin to find where the good is, in themselves or in the people around them.
That is a game changer.
What the hard parts feel like, and how I keep you safe
Clients are often eager to get to the work and get through it. That's understandable, and it can be the most frustrating part of the process for them, because I move carefully.
Why we build the ability to move in and out
I sometimes joke that I'm a bit like Mr. Miyagi. I teach you grounding and coping skills that don't seem connected at first, the therapy version of wax on, wax off, paint the fence. They can feel small, even a little silly. Then one day they come together. Like Daniel, who didn't feel like he was training until he could defend himself and not get punked by his opponent, you realize you've been building exactly what you needed, and you start winning matches that once felt impossible.
Before we go deeper, I need to know you can pendulate: move from grounded into mild
dysregulation, then bring yourself back. I need to see you do it in session, and I need to be confident you can do it between sessions. That means practicing the exercises we learn together outside of sessions.
The goal is to keep you from having a full abreaction, which is being flooded by the experience instead of working with it. If it does happen, I'm right there with you.
What I'm watching for
Part of my training as a midwife is watching the breath, the body, and the face very closely, and I'm confident in my ability to spot dysregulation when it starts, before it tips into flooding. When I see it, I help you pace it. I might change my speech pattern or my breath so you can borrow some of my steadiness. I might ask, "What do you notice in your body right now?" and help you make space for that or find a way to cope with it. At the end of a session, we use a tool to settle the energy that got stirred up.
Leg day, and why it's worth it
This is hard work. Some of my clients have called their sessions "leg day," which makes me laugh because it's accurate! It's hard, and it's worth it. They start to realize the things they've been carrying have been weighing them down the whole time.
When people are afraid to open it up, I tell them you're carrying it around anyway. Opening it is not much harder than shoving it down, keeping it hidden, and moving through your days with that heavy darkness inside you. So we open it up, and we heal it.
What healing looks like in daily life
Clients most often describe healing as freedom. When it takes hold, they tell me they feel:
- Lighter and more authentic
- Able to do things they had been holding off on
- More present with themselves and with their families,
especially their children
A lot of that comes from setting down a weight. Many people carry trauma from their own past, and in some families from generations before them, and it keeps them vigilant. They measure their steps. They track other people's reactions. They worry about how they're doing emotionally. As that eases, they get to be fully in themselves and become who they are. Healing is not only personal. It can be generational.
Getting your agency back
So much trauma is not only the pain of what happened but the powerlessness inside it: no power, no voice, no way to remove yourself.
In the present, a client realizes, "Oh my gosh, I don't have to keep living in that narrative." That is freedom. They can say things, move themselves, and get out of situations or commitments they don't want to be part of.
Healthier relationships and boundaries
Once you know what it feels like to be in your self-energy, that steady sense of being yourself, with the joy and freedom that come with it, you notice sooner when other people dampen it. So you start cleaning up the environment around you with healthy boundaries and honest communication. You can choose healthy friendships, romantic relationships, and family relationships, and step back from the ones that aren't.
If you've been putting this off because you're scared
You don't have to start with the hardest thing. We begin by building your resources, your strengths, and your confidence, and we stay at the edge of the hard things until you're ready for more.
You set the pace. I listen to you, and I pay close attention to your expressions, your speech, your mannerisms, your breath, and your affect so I know where you are in the process. I don't mean that in a creepy way. It's how I know when to slow down and when you're ready to go further.
The first step is a small one: come in and tell me what pace feels okay. You're already carrying it. We can start by looking at the edge of it together, whenever you're ready.
